Death comes before birth.
It was the day of my funeral.
They say that it is always rainy when someone who is, or rather was, a pure and a kind person dies, because of the sadness of so many people.
I am standing by them all, while they are looking at a cross and a picture of me. It is a horrible picture, I have had many prettier ones, but, I guess, my parents do not know how to transfer them to their phones to print them out.
The letter I left is yet to be read. But, for the sake of knowing the context I can tell you what it said.
„Hello everyone, or well, goodbye?
Anyway, I assume I am not there anymore if you are reading this.
I am sorry for being weak, and giving up… But, you know… giving up was always my style as you said.
Mum, dad… See? You can now retire truly because your biggest expense is gone. Well, one more expense I guess, but, after this one, you are done with me. I am sorry I was never „the normal“ kid, like others you wanted me to be. I tried, I promise. Unfortunately, it seems it is not so easy to be the person you’re really not. I wish I could have made you proud. You are free now. Live easily with your pensions, as it was intended. I forgive you.
My best friends… you all knew some of my struggles and I am sorry I haven’t told you everything but I could not, something would not let me. Thank you for being there when I did tell you stuff that was bothering me. And I forgive you for the times you refused to understand my struggles. I know each of you had your own. You will all find new best friends, I know, and that makes me happy, as all of you deserve more than me, a burden.
To my cousins and nieces and nephews, I forgive you all for not knowing much about me, if anything. I was the youngest, so it was natural that our age difference would cause the emotional distance. Nieces and nephews… oh come on as if you all care, you knew me even less haha. Though, one thing I shall leave you with is a piece of advice. Seek help earlier than I have, but I do hope you never feel like I felt.
Felt… huh, such a weird thing to write, while still breathing. And very morbid that it makes me happy a bit knowing those feelings shall stop.
Colleagues… professors… I guess I am not much of a representation of a psychologist, huh? Sorry about that. Feel free to tell the world I was always a bit weird.
Weird, yes. I want that on my tombstone. I mean, I was, wasn’t I? Each of you made a point to say it at least once. It is okay, it kind of became my brand. Weird one.
I was supposed to save people, but I guess I forgot to save myself first. That was my spark, my purpose. I will look over you all if God allows me, do not worry.
In my life, I just wanted to love and be loved. But, I have a theory. I think that the thing you want the most is the one you shall never get. I did love you all though.
Don’t feel guilty, and do not worry, I was just one person in each of your lives, you will all move on, I mean, even right now I imagine you are all holding onto someone.
On the other hand, I had you all. I will miss you all but hopefully, Grandpa will meet me up there. And I will finally get to meet your dad, mom. And Grandmas will both be there and aunty and uncles…
I love you all, and I mean all. Goodbye.“
My mother is holding the envelope, but she hasn’t read it yet. There are many people here. Well, it is common courtesy, though, my professors being in my hometown does surprise me. They are not all there, but the young ones are.
As the forty days have not passed yet my soul is here watching over all the places I have been. But today I took a break to see my own funeral. I figured it could give me closure. Grandpa is here with me.
„Little one, as much as I have missed you, it was too early for me to see you.“ – he says in his usual quiet and kind voice I remember as a little kid.
– I am sorry Pa, I guess it was meant to be this way.
„The world wasn’t kind to you, was it?“
-They tried their best, I was an outlier I guess, Pa.
„Little one, there are no outliers in the world, just people. But why did you give up?“
-Pa, I understand why you drank so much, letting the alcohol kill you in the end. Is that enough of an answer?
„Oh, my sweet child…“
-They said you would return to me when the ambulance took you from me… I waited for years. Each time an ambulance passed our houses I got excited. Even years later. But… they never gave you back to me.
„Little one… it was too late before they even loaded me into the ambulance. I am sorry I left you.“
-Pa, do not be sorry, I know… trust me, I know. The pain, no one understanding you, and our family did you wrong.
„Not everyone.“
-What do you mean?
„Little one, when you were born, I finally had my little angel, but it was too late, my veins were all alcohol, no blood anymore. I curse myself for becoming an addict so much, especially as I watched you grow and become the same as me.“
-What if I fell under the influence of others and wronged you as they have? Everyone thought you were a bad guy till you were gone…
„You wouldn’t.“
-How are you so sure?
„You said it yourself. You know the pain of being that kind of person we were, in the world as it is and was.“
-Then we would have made quite a team, huh?
„We would have. Little one… I am more than proud of you for everything you have done, except this last thing. But other than that, you did so much till your early twenties that I am beyond proud of the person you were down here. You didn’t let them turn you rotten.“
As I shed a little tear, surprised that a ghostly body can even do that, I just nod… I cannot speak.
Suddenly I hear voices but no one is speaking. It appears I can hear what the others are thinking in the moment of the last goodbyes.
„Go, I know you are curious to hear, I will stay here.“
I look at my grandfather and nod, as I start walking closer to what used to be me. And there it is, I hear it, so many thoughts are roaming around. I was hopeful to hear something nice, to be honest.
„She had two names?“
„What a stunt for attention, she was always dramatic, of course, she would end her life the same way she lived it.“
„God, when will this end, I just want to go home…“
„Weak.“
„Pathetic.“
„I always knew she was weird.“
„Geez, look at that picture… you’d imagine with how much she posted, they’d pick a better one.“
„If she was smart she wouldn’t have done this. But she wasn’t smart hah.“
„These weak kids nowadays.“
…
-No, no, no. Make them stop. Mom! Please! Please hear me, Mom, please! Make them stop! Dad! Tell them to quit it!
-Mommy, daddy… please…?
But they are silent, Mom and Dad.
Then I hear it… my mother’s thoughts.
„Why did you do this to me? Did you go THAT far to try and kill me?“
-What? – she cannot hear me, but seriously – What?
„Was I blind or did I baby her too much?“ – Dad asks himself.
Was I really just too weak? Did they baby me? I don’t even know anymore…
„I should have told her I loved her.“ – I hear someone’s thought.
-Wait! Where are you? Who thought that? Who was in love with me? Oh well, what’s the point anymore anyway?
„How many happy masks have you had…? Each time I thought we got through the worst. Why would you lie you were okay again?“ – one of my university professors thinks. I betrayed him, I have… He wanted to help, but I did not want to be a burden.
My high-school class is there, and a lot of my colleagues from university, but most of them are just thinking of going home. Some are replaying memories we shared.
At one point I could feel the sync in their thoughts. They all remember my laugh and me being a jokester.
Raindrops fall slowly enough for them not to get too wet. It was raining just the way I liked when I was… here.
You can only hear the raindrops, and people breathing. I am gonna be hopeful that they are just shocked and not that they do not care.
It was time for them to go into the building and eat for my soul, and as people were leaving, my best friend stopped for a second, looked at the wooden cross, and said out loud – „I failed you. I was supposed to be your big brother, and yet you were always my big sister despite our age difference. But I am also mad at you, just so you know! You could have told me anything.“ – he pauses a little and frowns – „But I also should have asked you how you were more than once, knowing how stubborn you are. Are, not were. I refuse to say „were“. I am so sorry, please forgive me, if I could I would turn back time to ask you how you are till you told me, but even I, who knew that you carried a happy mask, couldn’t see through the last layer of it. You were supposed to be at my wedding, to be a Godmother to at least one of my kids one day, and just… just be here! What am I to do now, huh? I always knew I had you if things went south in my life, and now, I cannot even visit you here regularly since I don’t live close. You will always be my little big sister.“ – he walks off.
My other best friend could not be there, as she was abroad and could not make it due to her job.
I left letters to everyone individually too, but those you shall not know the content of. It contains their privacy too. I love letters, so they are all very nicely decorated and packed.
I forgot to mention, I did not take my own life. It more of took itself. I had a heart attack and was done on the spot. Therapists warned me about my stress levels, but I thought I still had time. Though, since I did write the goodbye letters you can imagine I was cautious if it happens to be ready.
„Little one… let’s go to one place for a second.“ – my Pa said softly.
-Sure Pa. But where?
„You have two people to meet.“
-Meet? Now? But I am supposed to roam around this world still…?
„Just meet them and come back here before you return to us all.“
Okay, I guess. Who are they?
„You will know when you see them.“
I was confused but just nodded.
There was a beautiful garden, full of different flowers, and herbs, oh my the amount of rosemary… I love it. I guess this is catered to me. There is a big oak tree like the one we had at home years ago and underneath it a bench.
On the bench, two young people, a girl, and a boy, seem to be my age. As I walk closer I realize what Pa meant about „knowing when I see them“.
My twins… the ones that did not make it. We were triplets at the beginning of mothers pregnancy but after some time they did not make it.
-I knew it! – I proclaim.
„What did you know little one?“
-That they were supposed to be a boy and a girl Pa! I was right!
I approach them. We look alike but not completely.
-H-hi… – I say shyly. Jesus, I am shy even in the eternity…
„Chris! Oh my! Hi sister!“
-Hi. But… what do I call you two?
„We have no names… – my brother says.“
-You couldn’t choose names here?
„No, since we weren’t born…“
-So… I just call you „brother“ and „sister“?
„Yes.“ – brother says.
-That’s a bit sad… Can I give you names?
„I mean, I think you could…“ – my sister says.
– I got one name from the day I was born on… hmm let’s see… All the grandparents’ names have been used more than once at that, but even Rossa, the only name that hasn’t been used… well grandma is here with us… you need new names. Oh, I know! There were other saints on the day I was born and you two would have been born on that day too! Theona and hmm Theodore? Does that sound okay?
„I like it. I finally have a name!“
„Me too!“
Grandpa smiles as he looks at us and repeats – „Christina, Theona, and Theodore. You three would have been rascals.“ – he chuckles.
My smile turns into a frown.
-I wish you two got to be born…
„Why?“ – Theona asks curiously.
-I always thought mother and father would be much happier with you two, maybe you two would have met their standards.
„Have you not?“ – Theo asks. And yes I already gave him a nickname.
-I don’t think I have Theo. I tried though. Mother herself told me she regrets the day she gave birth to me when I was little. And other people always deemed me complicated, and too much. It started being funny in the end how much it felt scripted as if everyone learned the same sentences to tell me. – I chuckle, as they look at me with a sad expression.
-Oh don’t be sad! I got used to it. It is okay.
„But you are here.“ – Thee says.
-I guess Thee, but it was God’s plan, right?
„Little one. God has many plans for us, it depends on which path we choose. You could have been down there still.“
-I… I did not know that. Does that mean I gave up then?
„In a way… but your body had no more strength, do not dwell on it now, there is no point.“
There was no point, Pa was right. But hey… I have a brother and a sister!
Though I wanted my own family, and kids, and a big house, a dog, and a cat, plum, pear, peach trees, strawberry field, lots of vegetables, big back yard…
It was my fault.
